I Wish You Love

So I sit back, feeling so awkward, I sit back in a silence I once knew too well, and stare out the window. The silly piece of technology, my mobile, so unusually still, so dull, what started and also what probably is ending us, right beside me. I hold both my hands up to my chest and loosely lace my fingers together as if I were in a chapel. Slowly caressing the ring on my finger and the spot your thumb would find in its embrace.

I don’t know if its hurt that I feel, or if it’s a painful relief. But I do know, things happen for a reason. I smile thinking of our childish talk, that in every way, was always meant for grown ups. But my smile fades off, knowing we’ll talk like that, never again. Funny, how in forever, I never have trust.

It’s somewhat ironic how I was attracted by you being your own person, but also distanced myself for the very same reason. Blame it on my upbringing, blame it on education, blame it on my principles. But really, blame it how I cared.

To love someone, is to love them for who they are, and not for who you want them to be. Something I always believed in, but in this case couldn’t practice. And that’s when I knew, that every two people were made to fit. And we, did not.

So all I can do is apologise for some things that I have said and done.

I’m sorry for the threats and tantrums whenever you went out to drink, because each time, it felt like my liver was begging for mercy.
I’m sorry for asking you to stop smoking because it made my lungs feel like charcoal.
I’m sorry for telling you to not stay out late because it made me feel tired.
I’m sorry for lashing out everytime I found out you gave yourself to someone for it made me feel like I was losing my self respect bit by bit.

I’m sorry for controlling you, because the more I did, the colder I became and the less trust I had in you.

A person like me, no one deserves. For sadly, my own view of perfection is what I’ve been seeking for.

So I want to tell you, that its true, you’re better off on your own or maybe, with someone who loves you the right way.

I wish you smiles, I wish you laughter, I wish you courage, hope and faith for the days to come.
But today,
I wish you love.

Your once, dearly beloved.

The Demon In Me

Ms Ishq Fareen Khan.
Here are a few words before I bid goodbye.
For the past year, I have persuaded your mind, your body, your soul to allow me to reside within you. Something I was surprised you allowed. Because before this, you always fought me out.
I have made you ditch your studies as though they never brought you anywhere.
I have made you a sick, ill and unwell person both mentally and physically.
I have claimed my place in your eyes so that everytime you look in the mirror, you hate yourself more and more and more.
I have ruled your mind and made it irrational, aggresive and redundant.
I have taught you to upset your parents, friends and foes and allow you to not feel any remorse by those actions.
I have fueled the fire of anger within you so that when there is nothing else to be angry about, you turn to yourself and abuse yourself.
I have snatched and locked your happiness far away in a corner of your soul causing you to look for happiness in all the wrong places, which in the end just brutally hurts you even deeper.
I have almost successfully made you a failure.

But there was one thing, just this one goddamn thing of yours that I could not control.

The strength and determination of your heart.

Just when I thought I would destroy it with the violence of my being, it turned right back and slashed me hard and bloody, marking its power and signalling my leave.

As much as I hate to admit it, the strength of your has and always will be unbeatable. It's probably a gift from God, that YOU have not learnt to cherish.

So for now, I hand back all that was yours and wish you back on track.

But becareful, I might come back.

x The Devil In You

A Little Shove

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

'Cause you could be so many people

If you make that break for freedom

So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today

You could be so many people?

Just make that break for freedom

So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

Hey You, Smiling From Up Above

Yee Sook,

I hope you're listening.

A few days ago, your Mummy visited me. Yes, Your mummy!!
She is looking wonderful and happy, and yes, she's a beautiful woman.
She even brought me a pomelo and some mooncakes.

She misses you, I know. There's a tinge of tears she holds back when she talks about you,
but it's a good thing, for her love for you is forever strong.

But here's the news dear.

Remember the Teoh - Khan Daycare? It's soon going to be not just a dream. It's going to be the dreams you left with me thats going to be made real.
We'll teach those children to dance yes?

I miss you, I miss your smiles.

Love Reenie

A Little Respect

So here's a toast to u, William James Adams Jr.

Thank you, for helping those four lovely talented and just downright wonderful 4 boys achieve their dreams.

Maybe, just maybe, some celebrities, have the real hearts of angels.

x x x Reen Khan

Do Not Destroy Our Beautiful Faces

I sat down at the feet of my Dad today as I usually do when we watch the news. Most of us have come to accept the fact that nowadays, good news is not part of the news anymore.

But when there's bad news about the country you live in, that's when your blood starts to boil.

" KUIL UNTUK KAFIR!"

" TAKE BEEF ! TAKE BEEF ! TAKE BEEF !"

" INI NEGARA ISLAM, KAMI TIDAK PERLUKAN KUIL!"

These were the DISGUSTING, ATROCIOUS and downright WRONG statements pasted on dozens of banners while a few men dragged the chopped head of a cow on the streets. Hundreds of men shouting cuss phrases in probably no direction at all. Protesting the building of a temple and stating that this country is ISLAMIC.

ALL IN THE HOLY MONTH OF RAMADHAN.

WHAT PURE HIPPOCRACY.
WHAT A PILE OF BULL****.

And wasn't it GOD who told Mary herself in the month of Ramadhan as she was eating the dates off the palm tree, that she should keep her mouth and actions sane and silent in order not to hurt anyone in such an auspicious time.

KAFIR. A word with no feeling, no sympathy, yet full of pain to those who have been called it.
I myself would know. For at the raw age of 7, I was called a "kafir" just because I was brought up in a more open and a more LOGICAL, QUESTIONING environment of life. God bless my parents hearts for giving me the freedom of spirituality.

BUT SINCE I'M KAFIR ANYWAYS, shouldn't I be dragging the heads of cows on the street, or maybe bashing up the Buddha's statue right in the middle of the shopping mall or maybe even burning the Al Quran to flames and tossing it in the river?

Shouldn't I be doing these things then?

Those are not the works of a kafir, those are the works of someone who is mentally screwed up.

KAFIR. LITERALLY MEANING,- AN INFIDEL.

WHAT GIVES ANYONE THE RIGHT TO CALL A PERSON AN INFIDEL? FOR AREN'T WE ALL THE CHILDREN OF GOD? WHY IS IT THAT IT'S ALWAYS ONE RELIGION THAT IS RIGHT AND WHY IS IT THE OTHER THAT IS WRONG? IN WHICH PART OF THE MILLIONS OF YEARS WE'VE BEEN HERE, DID SOMEONE VERIFY THAT ONE PARTICULAR RELIGION IS ALL THERE IS?

But then again, power, control and hippocracy changes a lot doesn't it?

When I browse through my History textbooks and when I read the formation of this beautiful, colourful country, it brings me to tears. Everyone in class slept off because they weren't bothered. But to me, those were probably the times I wished I lived in. For what's better than breathing and feeling the power of UNITY? Of ONE MALAYSIA?

My malay friends who support the doings of the protest,

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

When Malaysia was formed, Tunku Abdul Rahman was a name everyone would remember.

Strong. Powerful. Educated. Logical. MALAY.

But don't forget, TUN TAN CHENG LOCK AND TUN SAMBANTHAN.

All of what Tunku was, but the only difference was they were Chinese and Indian.

MALAYSIA IS WHAT IT IS TODAY BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE RACE LIVING IN IT, FROM MALAY TO SIKH TO EURASIAN TO KADAZAN JOINED HANDS AND FOUGHT FOR THEIR COUNTRY. A PLACE THEY DIDN'T JUST CALL HOME, A PLACE THEY KNEW WAS HOME. THEY ACCEPTED EACH OTHER'S DIFFERENCES AND BECAME ONE. AND IT WAS THE SPIRIT OF UNITY, SUCH A STRONG UNBREAKABLE SPIRIT THAT GAVE US SUCH VICTORY TO BE CALLED MALAYSIA.

TO HEAR THE SHOUTS "MERDEKA!" , 7 TIMES AND CHANT ALONG NO MATTER WHAT RACE, RELIGION, SHAPE, SIZE OR COLOUR THEY WERE.

Don't go far, every Monday we recite the RUKUN NEGARA. Hands up! Who knows the first sentence?

" KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN"

Now I am pretty sure it said Tuhan and NOT ALLAH?

It doesn't tell us to be Islamic, it tells us to BELIEVE IN AN ALMIGHTY POWER. For those who believe in the ALMIGHTY are somewhat sane and sound in everything they do , for they can tell whats is WRONG AND RIGHT.

So whether the Almighty is Allah, or Krishna or Buddha or Guru Nanak, or Ipok, that shouldn't be the question.

The question is the purity of heart of a believer.

Now my fellow Muslims, if a temple or pagoda or what not is somewhat a form of irritation to you, you should sit back and consider one thing.

Every morning during the Subuh prayers, which is around 5.55 am, the Imam of every mosque weils ALLAHU AKHBAR on the mic awaking almost everyone around.

BUT YET, I DON'T HEAR THE OTHER RACES EVER PROTESTING.

INSTEAD!

My seniors who live overseas blog about the morning azan and they say "We miss the Azan for it reminds us that we're home in Malaysia. The land we belong to."

So why can't we Muslims go abroad and say " We miss the sounds of the morning church bells or the ancient Tamil music playing around the temple? "

Is it wrong?

IS IT A SIN?

RESPECT. LEARN TO RESPECT BELIEFS AND TRADITIONS. THEY MAY NOT BE OURS, BUT THEY"RE SOMEONE ELSES. AND THAT PERSON HAS EVERY SINGLE RIGHT IN THE WORLD TO BELIEVE IN WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE IN.

NO ONE. NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT RIGHT AWAY.

Do not let the politics of our skin become the reason Malaysia is destroyed before our very own eyes.

Do not let the hardwork of our forefathers who had so much tolerance go to waste.

DO NOT MAKE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY AN UGLY PLACE.

I Just Can't Believe You're Gone

Yasmin Ahmad - (1958 - 2009)

Auntie Yasmin, I don't want to cry typing this, but I'm not as strong.

Love, peace and forgiveness. The aspects of your soul that you spread among every single person that watched your works of art. We took you for granted. We never thought this day would come. Not like this. And for that, we wished we appreciated you even more than we already do.

But wherever you are, and if you're reading this, we thank you, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for showing us that love and peace have no boundaries. For remiding us that the politics of our skin are never worth a bloodspill. For teaching us that what everyone believes in uniform, are not necessarily true. But most of all..

For LOVING AND HONOURING US in everything you did.

Malaysia has lost the brightest shining star they ever had. But your light will never fade away in our hearts.

You were the only one who took the story of my life seriously and willed to help me.

And eventhough you're gone, you have lit an undying flame to always want to make a difference for the betterness of man.

In the name of God, most gracious, most merciful, I pray He showers you with love and affection and may the angels circle around you with their halos and sing songs of love. For I know blues are one of your favourites.

I just wish, I just wish you got to say Goodbye.

I love you.

Love, Fareen

In Words, Let This Be My Comforting Hug

Jonathan Wong Luke Keith. =)

I really wanted to say something to you this morning, but I guess I just did not know how to start.

On Tuesday, when I walked to the tapak and saw the look on your face, I did not need to ask. I already knew what the problem was. When you feel pain in your heart, and I mean just you, your face does not really hide it. At that moment, I think I did not know how to react and did not want to say anything so I played miss ignorant. Should not have.

I'm not a person you confide in, or share anything with, but still you've made up a lot of my form 3 and form 4 years. The taunting, the teasing, the name calling, the mornings at the tapak. Eventhough at first I felt hurt from your words, now, I WOULD NOT SWITCH THOSE TIMES FOR THE WORLD. Because beyond all that, I don't know why, but I see an amazing amazing unconditional loving person within you. And that's straight from the heart.

But really all I wanted to say to you this morning is that I know you feel hurt. Really I do. We all feel a broken heart sometimes. But above everything else Jon, a broken heart is not a reason for you to love less, but a reason to love someone else a lot better.

And if calling me IDIOT a hundred more times will make it better, be my guest.

x Fareeen....................................IDIOT. =D

Like A Shot Of Heroin

Just spoke to VJ.
He inspired me.
So I must say.

I Have A Dream.
I Believe. I Believe. I Believe.
I CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Reen Khan xx

Not Wrapping This In Ribbons

Things change. I don't know why. No one knows to be honest.

Me, Reen Khan, am changing too.

This girl here was once this all -rounder. This string of bright shining A's hanging from her neck.

This shelf of medals and trophies pouring out. This girl of all smiles, all love, all positive aura.

This girl who knew how to set everything straight.

But lately, its been nothing of that sort.

People have been asking, where are the A's? Where are the achievements? Where was the girl we once knew who aimed for the stars and always reached them.

Questions. Not just them, but me too.

The answer, I don't know. I really really don't know.

I don't know if I've made a terrible mistake by doing things I'm not all sure about.

I don't know if I've built hatred and bitterness in me without realising.

I don't know if I really am who I AM.

No, I'm not on drugs. No, I'm not a juvenile delinquent. No, I'm not involved in any sort of illegal activity most teens screw their lives up with.

But right now, I feel like a criminal of my own heart, my own mind, my own body, my own soul.

THE WORLD IS MOVING TOO FAST, AND THE TRUTH IS, I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO KEEP UP.

I might be going through change.

But for better or for worse, I don't know.

But before things go out of hand, I'm sorry Mummy, I'm sorry Papa, I'm sorry to all my Khan family, I'm sorry to my best friends Dalila, Lavinyaa and the rest who know who they are. And most of all, I'm sorry to me.